researched and written by
noted shark-shark biographer, fredrick j. poopington, the third, ph.d., a.d.d., a.d.h.d.
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one day, shark-shark set off in search of food.
after a few fights between itself, it finally settled on a direction and soon enough it came upon an edgy section of the ocean.
there had been an oil spill here in like 1996 which drove out most of the vibrant sea life that had inhabited the area. except for those plants whose roots were too deep, who remained behind.
as the plants continued to grow in the coming years, kelpsters began to drift to the area in large numbers. they were drawn by the open spaces and a desire to be near the tenacious plants that had survived the oil-spill years, who they deemed to be the most authentic of plants.
the kelpsters were near the bottom of the food chain but that made no difference to shark-shark. shark-shark would eat anything, and preferred to start with the least difficult prey.
since most kelpsters were kept comfortable by their giant kelp parents, they were rather apathetic and easy to feed upon. they mostly spent their days just swaying in the current.
it didn’t matter to them anyways. they had already seen everything there was to see in the ocean.
and it was stupid.
“…um, so yeah, the mail order tshirt business is going great….”
“wait, shark-shark comes here now? ok, we cannot hang here anymore…”
“can you believe they painted over shepard fairey’s obama stencil?”
“i know, right? its like they can feel the change coming, and they are so scared dude…”
“ugh. its shark-shark.”
“who?”
“shark-shark.”
“who?”
“shark-shark. shark. shark.”
“shark-what?”
“oh my god. shark. fucking. shark. it’s the same goddamn word!”
“ohhh, is he that guy who had that shitty coke at the vampire weekend show?”
“no, you’re thinking of shariq. shark-shark is the guy who’s half shark and half shark.”
“oh… right…”
the kelpsters’ icy reception left shark-shark briefly stunned and quite emotionally confused.
their exclusionary attitudes and passive aggressive mocking caused half of shark-shark to feel hurt and ashamed. but the other half was driven to anger and xenophobia by their kefiyahs.
so shark-shark did the only thing that it could think to do.
shark-shark ate the kelpsters.
while most sharks who are born are born all shark, shark-shark was born half shark and half shark.
this gave it the ferocious killing power of a shark and also the ferocious killing power of a shark.
shark-shark had a thirst for blood to rival that of two normal sharks. or maybe more bloodthirst than that even. like the bloodthirstiness of a normal shark squared.
despite endowing it with such admirable traits, shark-shark’s abnormality left it without the brain power of even a single normal shark. because, as we all know, a shark’s brain is located in its tail. like a dinosaur.
indeed, shark-shark posessed a complex anatomy. if the two halves ate their meals at the same time the excrement would be forced out a common anus. if they ate separately, well, it was less pretty…
being as dumb as shark-shark was, the two halves could never work together to share their food. so, while one half gorged itself, the other half was forced to eat shit.
and after years of eating each other’s shit, the thought of working together no longer occurred to shark-shark. in fact, each half took retributive pleasure in seeing its conterpart suffer.
